A Voice Is Born

My daughter was born on this day, nineteen years ago. She was three weeks overdue and took 52 hours to deliver. I was so exhausted after she was born--yet I knew I would be discharged that evening. It was the pre-Amy Klobuchar-advocacy era for new mothers with HMO plans; at that time, we were given only 24 hours after delivery to vacate the birthing bed. I looked up the number for my local Health Partners and called with my story. I connected with a sympathetic operator who gave me a 48-hour extension and orders to get some sleep.

I woke up hours later to the most soulful hollering I've ever heard come from a 7-1/2 pound newborn. The maternity nurse burst into my room and said, "Mrs. M, I got strict orders not to wake you but you wrote you wanted to breastfeed and we've been holding back, giving the baby sugar water, but Mrs. M, your baby is out there and she's STARVING!"

And the voice was born.

When she was about 4 and getting reprimanded for small troubles, Megan would say to her Russian and Sri Lankan caregivers, "I know, I know. It's all because I was born on a stormy night."

We would tell her to hold her own and always shout out if someone or something didn't feel right. Then we'd pick her up from day care and there she'd be at the top of the slide, hands on her hips, shouting like Lucy from the Peanuts gang, "No! Don't do that! I DON'T LIKE that."

When my parents took her to her first play, a performance of The King and I, she jumped up from her theater seat when the King was treating Anna so badly, and shouted, "You're so mean. Stop doing that!"

When she suddenly got pious and started making little crosses out of scrap wood and marking them with the words,"Jesus Loves Me," she asked that our family start going to church. We, the skeptical, nonpracticing, semi-believers that we are, went church shopping. We went to the small, A-frame Presbyterian, the brick Episcopalian, and the grand Cathedral of St. Paul to see what might fit us. As we sat under the echoey dome of the Cathedral, listening to Archbishop Flynn's homily, Megan leaned over and in her coarse Irish whisper, which most parishioners around us could hear, implored, "Why is that guy yelling at us?"

In AAU basketball as a teen, she was up to the line for a free throw. The parents of youth basketball players might be the most obnoxious of us all. If you look out into the bleachers many over-involved parents are scowling, like Bill Cowher of the Steelers, or screaming at players and refs, like the Lady Vols' Pat Summitt. So she's up to the line and everyone's shouting and scowling and she just turns to the crowd, with eyes aimed at her Dad and me, and shouts back, "Shut up. Shut up. Just shut up."

So now she's in college. She seems a beacon for the future, blending all she's learned from her family and friends and mentors--and herself-- into this one strong voice. Isn't that what we all want for our children, for ourselves? She just sent me a piece she wrote about a mother giving advice to her daughter, prompted by a reading of Jamaica Kincaid's "Girl." It seems fitting to share it with you on the occasion of her birthday (and with her permission):

"Don’t go where I can’t see you; wash your hands after you go to the bathroom; don’t put things in your mouth; say please and thank you; don’t talk during church; don’t spill on your clothes; this is how you tie your shoes; don’t wake your father when he’s sleeping; be quiet when other people are talking; think before you speak; brush your teeth every day; eat your vegetables; don’t show your underwear to boys when you’re playing in the playground; don’t talk about others behind their backs; do your spelling words; look both ways before you cross the street; be respectful to your teachers; this is how you pour your cereal in the morning; this is how you braid your hair; make sure you don’t get grass stains on your white dress when you are playing in the field; watch out for your brother when you two are alone together; if you get lost know that I’ll find you; don’t play with your food; don’t chew your nails; don’t wear clothes that are ripped; plaids and stripes don’t match; wear socks with your shoes; don’t let your bra show; don’t wear skirts that are too short; this is how you balance a checkbook; read; don’t watch that television show; don’t sleep past noon; clean your room; this is how you argue rationally: don’t tell people that they’re wrong and explain why you’re right; even though they are your teammates, they’re still your competitors; this is how you write a thesis; this is how you drive a car; this is how you preheat an oven; this is how you behave in public; don’t talk to me like that in public; don’t have a dirty mouth otherwise people will think that you’re dirty; this is what I sound like when I swear; protect your reputation, it’s the most important thing you have; do what makes you happy, and know that money can’t buy happiness; if someone breaks your heart know that I’ll always be there to put it back together; don’t let jealousy interfere with relationships; you’ll never know what it’s like to be a parent until you are one.

"Don’t talk to strangers; wear a helmet; take music lessons; learn a language; buy something that expresses your own personality and not what everyone else has; don’t make drama out of nothing; don’t procrastinate; always get enough sleep; learn how to use a computer; climb a tree; make forts out of blankets and chairs; have an imaginary friend; don’t worry about your weight until you’ve had a baby; don’t smoke; don’t waste your time on false friends; appreciate the friends you have; chicks before dicks; don’t have sex until you’re ready and it’s with someone you trust; don’t bring yourself down because there will be plenty of people in your life that will do that for you; don’t watch too much television; don’t create drama through AOL Instant Messenger; talk to someone you’re upset with right away; keep a secret; when it comes to alcohol, know your limit; get to know people who are older than you; don’t worry about what other people think about you; live life with humor; do something crazy every once in awhile; learn how to dance without alcohol; listen to good music; don’t just learn, but understand other cultures and ideas; don’t dismiss something just because you’re afraid of it; don’t be afraid of not knowing what you believe; know that what you feel really strong about in the moment might change drastically in the future, and don’t be afraid to let it happen; don’t let people take advantage of you; stand up for what you believe in and don’t be afraid to say what you think; be classy; never own a pair of underwear that has holes in it; love the body you’re in; trust people; learn how to communicate with people without technology; know that you won’t understand all these things, but when things come up and you learn these lessons the hard way, know that I’ll always be there for you."