'Tis the season for lists. Top ten gifts, top ten books, top ten reality shows, top ten plastic surgeons. Here's my contribution to the listmaking: Top Ten Things I’ll Try Not to Do Again
1. Never sign a book contract until I’ve seen at least one solid, good chapter.
2. Never ask my thirteen-year-old son if he has any hair down there.
3. Never let my auto insurance policy lapse while I’m out of town and my unsuspecting husband is left to drive the uninsured car willy-nilly.
4. Never, never use Purell (instant hand sanitizer) on my vayjayjay at the pit latrine in the Boundary Waters thinking it might somehow take the place of a good shower or bath soak.
5. Never order a gift online--like say a nutcracker for my son’s Christmas surprise--without thoroughly checking the size and dimensions, especially if I think I’m ordering one of those tabletop varieties but instead am really buying a miniature tree decoration, at 1/10 the size and three times the price. (Addendum: Never be confused by any Internet copy that says, “moveable parts.”)
6. Never insist my close family members call me when they’re ready and then forget to turn my ringer on.
7. Never work without backup, especially when my company’s e-mail and Internet servers are on the fritz.
8. Never say, “Well, not really,” when my daughter is stressing about her big night out at the 18+ club with super-thin and super-trendy girlfriends and asks me if her outfit looks okay.
9. Never say “How can I help?” to my boss when my own workload is so full I haven’t had lunch away from my office for weeks.
10. Never tell my 69-year-old and second-wave feminist mother that I went to see the movie Super Bad.
Monday, December 17, 2007
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7 comments:
That is a fantastic list. Helpful and humorous all at the same time. I can relate to at least five of the items. Obviously, not #4, but thanks for sharing anyway. :)
Great stuff!
OMG, can I assume that #4 was painful? Dang! These are the types of things that keep me up at night, what with the wincing, sharp intakes of breath, and head slapping. So very tired.
Too good, and ouch indeed on the Purell. I would start my own list with: Never sneeze/cough while pregnant without having some added protection in one's underwear.
And speaking of Super Bad, have you seen Knocked Up? I'd love it even if I weren't in present condition.
Sass--think of the advice "do not touch eyes after chopping chili peppers," and you'll know what I mean about that sting.
Dharma Bum: It'd be fun to hear your take on things you'll avoid--perhaps a full-blown BWCA version. Congrats, by the way, on the new chapbook.
Elbee, elbee: Your body is an amazing gift of nature and while neo-cons everywhere might co-opt it as the ultimate in intelligent design, we mothers all know the indignities that come with it all. Man. And, yes, Knocked Up is the first of the gotta-love-the-bawdy combo. I laughed my head off during both. And I laughed at the young men sitting just down the aisle from us, too. Talk about wincing and head slapping.
You rock - yep, definitely you are brilliant.
Hey, J! Have fun at Christmas. I'll BE at your party!
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