Is this better . . . or worse? Better? Or worse?

I have my annual eye exam tomorrow. Man, do I need new lenses. You know those heavy plastic tumblers a place like St. Clair Broiler uses for water and soda glasses? All scratched and cloudy from the wear and tear of customers and dishwashers? Yep, that's what my lenses look like.

It's only been a year or so that I've been wearing glasses nearly full time. Last year on my trip to the Boundary Waters I thought I could definitely paddle without wearing them and I could--I do just fine seeing things at a medium or long distance. But then when my companions asked me to navigate from the map, ah hell, I found I couldn't really read a thing. I tried to read the contours of the lake by squinting my left eye and sort of guessing at the portage points but that didn't work too well.

So I'm still a rookie at the eye exam. I'm always a little chatty and nervous around doctors or any kind of medical personnel. I chatter endlessly, like Kathie Griffin on Bravo, only not so obnoxious. Maybe more like Lucy Ball. Right at the point when I was about to deliver my son, I asked my doctor what he thought of Hillary's national health care plan (Bill had just been elected).

Anyway, last year, after the ophthalmologist did that light test and then the puff test, me tight in that head contraption, he began the whole lens series where he would flip over different lenses--one eye at a time or both eyes together--and ask me:

Is this better?

The same?

Or worse?

Better? The same? Or worse?

I got the knack of it for awhile but then it got confusing and I feared I was saying "better" when I really meant "worse." Or that I said "worse" for a lens that the doc knew was clearly better. I felt as incompetent as those kids who would rather become electricians or sous chefs but their parents make them take the SATs, and the tests so frustrate them that they darken the circles of the multiple choice questions only so the rows and columns make pretty polka-dot patterns.

I finally said to the doc, "I'm failing this test aren't I?" He told me no one can really fail this test, but he wasn't convincing. And then I wondered if my new eyeglasses would come back so out-of-whack for my eyes, like when we were kids and we'd ask to try on our dad's glasses just for the thrill of the dizziness.

So this year I thought I'd practice a little bit. Get the hang of the comparisons. Is it better? The same? Or worse?

Here goes:

Izzy's or Grand Ole Creamery? IZZY'S, BETTER

Friends or Frasier? SAME . . . I THINK

Raspberry martini or appletini? RASPBERRY MARTINI, BETTER (especially the ones at The Craftsman on Lake Street)

Hanes or Jockey? HANES, DEFINITELY WORSE

Those cavemen or that gecko? PRETTY EVEN ON THAT. MAYBE THE CAVEMEN. I DON'T KNOW

Chicago Manual of Style or AP Style Manual? CHICAGO MANUAL, DEFINITELY BETTER

Mac or PC? OKAY, DOC, COME ON

Pawlenty or Ventura? AH MAN, SAME

St. Cloud or Mankato? SAME. WAIT. YEAH, SAME

Roddy Doyle or Frank McCourt? EASY, RODDY DOYLE

Starbucks or Caribou? GOD WHO CARES. OKAY, STARBUCKS

Coconut or almond? HUH, WAIT, DO THAT AGAIN.

Coconut or almond? WELL . . . THAT DEPENDS

(That's not an answer; which? Better or worse, or same?)

Try again: Coconut or almond? ALMOND, BETTER, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY. BARELY ANY DIFFERENCE. REALLY.

MIA or Walker? MIA, BETTER.

John or Paul? JOHN, EASY

Okay, now, Ringo or John? JOHN, BETTER

Okay, now (flip, flip), John or Mick? HUH? WAIT A MINUTE. YOU FORGOT GEORGE. I WASN'T READY. CAN WE START OVER?