Missing Joe?

For you baseball fans out there, in case you’re sorely missing Joe, I have a story for you.

I was shopping at the Grand Avenue Kowalski’s Market and was waiting for the deli man to hand over my chicken pasta salad. The deli is nearly always crowded on a Sunday so I had time to people-watch. I was watching a young mom checking the labels on ice cream when this really tall guy walked by with a little green shopping basket in his hand. I recognized him immediately. Joe Mauer. It was Joe Mauer. Man, he’s taller in person than you’d think. I mean he towered over all of us average-Joe St. Paulites. Of course, he's no average Joe. I’d seen Mauer in person a few times over the years. Once my daughter and I crawled over the barriers and into a roped-off section at the packed-to-the-gills high school basketball playoff game between Highland Park (with its star Moe Hargrow) and Cretin Derham-Hall (and their star Joe Mauer). And we'd watched a few high school baseball games at the “Little Wrigley” setting of Cretin and I remember my son carefully following Mauer’s pregame warm-ups right beside us.

This day he seemed taller than usual because beside him was the cute-as-a-button Miss USA girlfriend of his. (Apparently they’re still dating, despite Twins fans posting their rants online: “Drop the girl, Joe, and get back to the game”; or “If Joe’s love life gets in the way of him playing baseball he’ll have to answer to all Twins fans.”) Anyway, they were walking near the ice cream freezers, he ambling along like a young farmer in a row of newly planted wheat, she all perky and with the twittering walk of Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. He looked a little bit like a farmer, too. Knee-length jean shorts, a green cap, that bad haircut. She wore the tiniest little stretch shorts and her brunette hair was smooth and long down her back.

The Twins had just wrapped up a home stint and they were off for Sunday night and Monday. I imagined Mauer and Miss USA going home to the Mauerneau pad and grilling up some dinner together. She was directing the shopping trip: chattering about what they still needed, backtracking to find the missing item, Joe sauntering along behind her.

I got into the checkout line right behind them. She really is cute. He really is tall. The two guys behind the register couldn’t keep their eyes off the couple. I tried not to stare so I watched those two guys. They rang up the couple’s basket items really slowly. Everyone else in line watched the entire transaction and I could hear quiet murmurs all around the store, “Joe Mauer. Look, Joe Mauer.” I even saw one of my son's school friends, Bridget, widen her eyes, point to the couple, and stick her fist into her mouth, like she was keeping herself from screaming.

After Joe and Miss USA left the register, the two check-out guys watched the couple walk all the way out to the auto doors. One said to the other:

“Dude, did you see who that was? Dude, did you check him out?” He nudged his pal in the ribs. “Dude, are you listening?”

“Nah, man,” said the other guy dreamily. “I’m just watching the girl.”